We should go, shouldn’t we? Shouldn’t we go? Life happens when you are busy making other plans. And isn’t that always the way. My mother-in-law, who had been suffering with Parkinson’s and dementia at my sister-in-law’s house in Oregon, had taken a bad fall and broken her neck. A broken neck is never good, but especially not when you are 89 years old. I did not have plans in my January planner to make a long road trip. I needed to work, clean up our house and garage. I needed to do normal life stuff. But no, this was important, and my husband needed my support. We would be making the long eight-plus-hour trip north.
Having traveled 6,000 miles in a month last fall, you would think we would be long-trip road warriors by now, but no. We still need regular stops, including breakfast at “Split Pea” (Andersen’s Pea Soup restaurant at the junction of Highway 5, a regular pit stop for us.) Can you enjoy a large, steaming bowl of pea soup for breakfast? Oh yes you can! Comfy though our truck is, you can get really bored on the very long and straight Highway 5, and I found myself constantly looking for the next rest stop.
Our daughter had managed to get the time off work to accompany us northwards to see her grandma. She is a determined one where family is concerned. I have often told her that we only regret the things we do not do in life, and I’m glad she takes this on board when she is able.
Northern California is very beautiful — you can forget how so. Gorgeous dark green forests, rivers, lakes, crisp airs and snowy-topped mountains. We thundered through the Siskiyous, happy that there was no snow on the roads and just glorious bright sunlight to guide us along our way.
My policy and priority these days is always to stay in a hotel where I can use the pool, addicted as I am to water aerobics and how it makes me feel, especially where my arthritic knee is concerned. During the wintertime, this must be an indoor pool and our abode in Ashland, Ore., did not disappoint. After eight hours on the road, some good stretching is a must and stretch we did, before heading over to the care home where mother-in-law was settling in. Poor old thing. She was strapped in a brutal neck brace and not happy at all but rallied when she saw her granddaughter and even accepted a little yoghurt and fruit to eat. We thought she might be able to survive this fall after all, if she could tolerate the neck brace for three months, but it had become quite apparent that her daughter could no longer care for her in her home, it had become too difficult. She had masterfully managed her mother’s care for five years and now mother needed proper medical care.
I got to see my daughter’s nursing skills in action, as she gently guided the caregivers in the home to make her grandma more comfortable. I was so proud of her. We visited with both of my sister-in-laws and a brother-in-law, as well as a niece and nephew. At times like this, family is so very important. None of us had planned on being up in Oregon on a wintry January day, but needs must as my Granny would say and there we were. It was essential to be there. Did I mention you only regret the things you don’t do in life?
The second day of our visit and she didn’t recognize me. “Who are you?” she enquired blankly. “Lucy,” I replied. “Your son’s wife.” She then went onto open her arms wide for a hug from her son. She was never much of a hugger, so this was a lovely thing to witness. She asked him if he was going to get her out of there and how fast could he be in getting that done. There was a glint in her eyes, but it was a tired glint, and I then realized she was getting ready for her journey. “How’s Ray?” she asked. Ray was her older brother who had died years ago.
On her second night, she tried to get out of bed and fell. Thankfully, she did not hurt herself, but all types of chaos ensued as the staff endeavored to keep her in bed unless someone was there to assist. They explained that they could not actually restrict her to her bed but were able to order another bed with longer rails. Ageing is not for the faint of heart. I remember when I first met my mother-in-law. She was a strong, determined character. All the holidays were hosted at her home. She was a force of nature. And here, before me, is this tiny little bird in a wheelchair at the end of her life. Sobering.
By the time we left Oregon, she was sleeping more and recognizing less. It was clear to us we would not see her again on this planet. The day before my husband’s 65th birthday, she went quietly to sleep for the last time. My sister-in-law took one last photo of her at peace the morning she died, and she really did look peaceful. Her hands were no longer shaking with the Parkinson’s disease; the neck brace was no longer bothering her. There was no more pain. She had left the room. And you always wonder, don’t you, where our spirit goes when our heart stops beating. You hope it’s somewhere good and fun, a place where you have no pain or ageing and where you can, wishfully, reconnect with loved ones who went before.
The matriarch of the family has departed the table of our homestead, and it will take us, the living, a while to get used to her absence. At times like this, we are glad for the rituals of the living who are left behind, the comfort of family and siblings, the opportunity to grieve and reflect. We will plan a lovely celebration of life for Shirley later in the year when her ashes will be brought to Watsonville and buried with my husband’s father, and that will help all of us come to terms with our family’s new reality.
Try not to regret doing the important things in life. Make the time, pack the car, take the trip. It’s not always easy navigating life and the right things to do when life surprises you, but age helps you make better choices and I’m so glad we made this journey.
Shirley Jensen died peacefully on Jan. 24 in Ashland, Ore. She leaves behind a large family who already miss her.
